Duck Duck Cougar?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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