Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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