There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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