Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
