i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
