I must be too annoying 4 u.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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