it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
