Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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