Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
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