college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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