The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
