I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
