Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
