He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize