haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
