just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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