If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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