Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
