Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
