My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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