someone threw a dead crab at me
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
