i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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