im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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