I showed him my bush... on skype.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
