Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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