I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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