I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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