i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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