They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize