i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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