i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
