I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize