Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
