Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
