The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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