i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
