So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I need a burrito and a hug.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
