Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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