i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
