I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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