Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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