trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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