You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
