This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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