Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
