mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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