Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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