you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
