I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just had sex on a roof
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
