Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize