the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
