Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize