At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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