Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
