i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
