I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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