No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
