I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
