I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
