You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize