So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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