the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Michael Bay diarrhea
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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