I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
