Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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