I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
