I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
