I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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