my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
