Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize