and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
