dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
