I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
